Chef Greyback: Mystery Meat
by lunarmage
Summary: Infamous cannibalistic werewolf Fenrir Greyback takes over Death Eater kitchen duties, with interesting results...


"Let us begin our meeting." Lord Voldemort declared, taking his seat at the head of the table. The assembled death eaters fell silent, giving their full attention to their bald master. "Today we must assign a new cook. Assigning Macnair to the kitchen was obviously a fiasco…" Voldemort said no more, unwilling to relive the traumatic events that had taken place in the kitchen. All of the Death Eaters gave a collective shudder, while Macnair ducked his head bashfully.

"We shall draw straws to see who will be our next cook." None of the Death Eaters appeared enthusiastic.

Lucius Malfoy piped up. "We are all going to draw straws, including you, my lord?"

"Heavens no! I won't be drawing a straw." Voldemort replied, regarding Lucius as if he had said something incredibly silly. "I'm much too busy giving orders and running things to cook." Voldemort conjured some straws and began to hand them out to each death eater. "Remember, the person with the short straw will be in charge of the kitchen."

As the dark lord passed out straws, Bellatrix Lestrange realized that her straw was shorter than everyone else's. _Heck no! I may be a woman, but I am _not _going to work in the kitchen! _Making sure that no one saw her, she surreptitiously took out her wand and made her straw longer. She then spelled Fenrir Greyback's shorter.

After all of the straws had been distributed, the Death Eaters compared straws. Greyback howled in fury when he realized that he had the (un)lucky straw.

"It's good to see you so enthusiastic, Greyback!" Voldemort exclaimed, mistaking Greyback's howl of fury for a howl of joy. "Looks like you're our new cook!"

All of the death eaters sighed in relief (none of them really knew how to cook anything, other than a sandwich), then blanched as they realized that a cannibalistic werewolf with poor hygiene habits had been assigned to the kitchen.

That evening, Greyback stood in the middle of the kitchen, utterly clueless. He spotted an apron hanging from a hook on the wall, and quickly donned it because it seemed like the correct thing to do. He then pondered his next action. Inspiration seemed to strike him, and he began to rifle through the kitchen drawers and cabinets, finally unearthing a cookbook after making a considerable mess. Greyback skipped the vegetarian recipes and turned to the chapter on meat, smiling his toothy grin. He set to work, and didn't bother to wash his hands before handling the food.

Later, the Death Eaters waited for dinner to be served. The expressions on their faces ranged from curious to sickened to horrified as they tried to imagine what Greyback had concocted. Voldemort simply smiled, naively confident in Greyback's culinary prowess. The werewolf chef made his entrance, pushing a cart loaded with trays. Enticing scents emanated from the concealed food, and most of the death eaters began to relax, thinking that Greyback had managed to cook a decent (that is, somewhat edible) meal.

The chef served the Dark Lord first, removing the cover from the platter with a flourish. The Death Eaters ooh-ed and ah-ed at the steak Greyback had prepared, and some found themselves drooling. Macnair had never served anything that looked remotely edible.

The werewolf proceeded to serve the dark lord's followers, with less fanfare. He then sat down to his own steak, and began eating with gusto. After taking a few bites, Voldemort commended Greyback for his seemingly impossible gastronomic feat. "Very good. It's not just edible, it's delicious."

Like parrots, the Death Eaters echoed their lord's compliments. Bellatrix Lestrange, however, had not touched her food. She spoke up. "Exactly what kind of meat is this?"

At this, some of the happy diners stopped eating and eyed the steaks with suspicion.

Greyback blushed, though his facial hair, which had never met a razor, mostly concealed it. "Does that _really_ matter?" He smiled, a wicked gleam in his eyes, and almost everyone, including Voldemort, sought out the nearest bathroom. Only Greyback, Bellatrix, who had not eaten the mystery meat, and Goyle, obliviously munching on his steak, remained.

None of the Death Eaters were going to eat meat for a while.


End file.
